


Inspiration

by Infiniteleft



Series: In & Out & In & Out [1]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mental Health Issues, More tags to be added, Ngl this is just a lot of ventfic so please read at your discretion, Self-Harm, Sensory Overload, each chapter has specific warnings that might not be in the tags, mild body horror, undiagnosed mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21997399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infiniteleft/pseuds/Infiniteleft
Summary: She wanted to be a good girl for her family. Too bad her head didn't get the memo.
Relationships: Kurosawa Dia & Matsuura Kanan & Ohara Mari, Kurosawa Dia & Sakurauchi Riko
Series: In & Out & In & Out [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1583515
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I did some tagging for this, but just to be safe... CW for this chapter: self harm, undiagnosed mental illness, sensory overstimulation. There's other things that will show up later, and will be noted in the chapter notes.
> 
> So. Ah. Happy early birthday Dia, enjoy having a ventfic prepared as opposed to fluff. I swear I'm trying.

Imagine this. A young girl, stood proud. She is a young woman now, they tell her. How capable she is, how strong she is. How dutiful. Diligent. Willful. Honest and lazer focused. She can do anything, she hears them tell her.

So why is it she knows she's a fraud?

 _What are you afraid of,_ the voice in her head asks her, _that makes you so desperate to be a good girl? What is the price you cannot pay?_

 _There is no price,_ she tells herself, _I just can't let anyone down. They count on me. They trust me to be there and steady. They trust me to guide them._

She knows she's letting them down.

She also knows that she's alone. The others… they can't fix things. They'd probably laugh, honestly, tell her how silly she's being and worrying too much about nothing.

The static inbetween her fingers sets her chest ablaze. Something is wrong. She knows it. She just _knows_. It hurts. The fog cuts her deeply, taking her mind away from her body and leaving her half possessed.

Kanan gives her that look that she always does. It's fine; of course she's fine. There's nothing to worry about. She's just stressing over nothing.

It wasn't always there. That much, she remembered. Ages ago, there was a time where her skin didn't crawl and scream under the weight of sound. She lived and loved and understood the words and faces that kept smiling cheerfully, ever an image of what can be achieved if you're just keep dreaming. So hopeful and full of life.

As she crouches in the bathroom, staring at her knees, she realizes she's a fraud. There is no determination within her. She is not a beacon of light and purity. She isn't even an inspiration for hard work; she's just a faker, a mimicry of faces and people she's known before. She's tacked together bits of paper that don't work.

She wonders if she can take them off if she pulls hard enough.

It's Chika and Riko who find her there, choking on the air that everyone else knows how to breathe. She knows she can't pretend to be fine, but she can't answer any of their questions. She can't.

She doesn't know what's wrong with her. She can't tell anyone. She doesn't know.

She wishes she did.

Still, her clusterfuck of a being manages to muscle through the show. Even with the needles digging into her head, she follows the rhythm. If she's staring blankly as she follows the movement of You in front of her, nobody's looking close enough to notice. They never do.

She goes home that night, just knowing that she wasn't included in the round of "good job" today. She didn't do her best. It was just barely good enough. But there was that, and it was better than nothing. Her limits were fast approaching, though. She knows she can't join them tonight in celebrating, so she simply bids them adieu and heads back to the hotel. If she's lucky, she'll be asleep before they come back.

It doesn't take long for someone else to enter the room. Damnit. Mari was the last person she needed to see. Guilt settled in her gut almost immediately, because her friend was only worried about her. Stupid and misplaced, but the concern wasn't something she could get angry about. So she got angry at herself instead, and pretended to stay asleep.

Mari gives up with a sigh, and she can't read whether it was disappointed or relieved.

* * *

Strangely enough, it was You who cornered her about it first.

"You've been acting weird lately," the words hit her like a freight train, "spacing out and all that. Are you okay?"

"Have I? I'm sorry." She smiles nervously, not noticing her hand wandered up to her cheek before she felt chilly fingers pressing into her flesh.

It's a heavy enough sensation she decides she can tolerate it.

"Yeah, you have." Blue eyes stared at her, and she read the judgement in them. The frown might have given it away, but she knew that the girl couldn't forgive her for -- for -- for screwing up. For putting at risk everyone else has fought for. Maybe she even thought she was trying to replace her!

Suddenly, she felt afraid. How much of a burden was she putting on everyone? They shouldn't have to take it. It was her duty after all, to be sensible and sure. She was failing them all over again. Wordlessly, she wished an apology towards Mari. How dare she do this again!

With a start, she realized that You hadn't finished speaking. "-u don't have to go it alone, you know. Riko might be able to help out, too."

"No, no, that's fine, really." Her voice was shaking far, far too much. Geez, how weak must she look?! "I've been a little distracted, but that's all." The blood on her tongue tasted bitter. "I'm fine. Really. But thank you."

You made a sigh that sounded a lot like Mari's; she must've answered her wrong. Everything felt too fuzzy. Too vague.

"Okay, if you say so… hey, what are you doing?"

The hand fell away from her face. "Nothing," she lied again.

You gives her another look, one that's warning, and turns to leave. As soon as the second year is out the door, she collapses behind her desk and waits out the panic building up in her brain.

* * *

About twelve days later, she's supposed to be working with Riko. She has the notebook open in front of her, trying to focus on the other girl's words. They don't make sense.

Except that they do, and she's just being stupid. Inattentive. She stabs her thigh with the pencil under the table, a sharp reminder to check her ego. She is not above this, and Riko deserves that basic respect.

She notices Riko shrinking under her gaze as she asks for another explanation. The other girl must think she's judging her. Dammit. Is her face surly? She smoothes out her brow, knowing that she shouldn't take whatever this is out on her.

They don't get much work done. She leaves that day with another apology and entrusts the other girl with her notebook, suggesting they use it for their project in turns.

The next day, Riko's watching her with eyes that are scared. She doesn't say anything, just watched. Something settles in her stomach, which she decides during lunch is something akin to unease.

Her soup tastes disgustingly salty as she swallows it down, praying to remove herself from that stare.

Riko doesn't get to catch her that day, because as soon as practice is over, she's out the door. That's okay. She'll text her later.

* * *

Hanamaru's in her living room next, crunching on a carrot from the platter someone must've set out earlier. She retraces her steps and finds she can't remember if she did it or not.

Whatever. That wasn't important.

The younger girl seems very distracted and nearly misses her passing through the living room. Just her luck that she doesn't, though. She stops her and asks how her work on the song comes along.

Which one was it? She can't remember. She thinks back. The only one she remembers is the one with Riko…. Maybe she means the--

Hanamaru's nose wrinkles as she shakes her head and reminds her they already finished that one. They performed it just last month. Shame settles in her chest, because how silly she was to forget?

How stupid she was to not realize.

She remembers she left her notebook with Riko. It's another apology that she gives Hanamaru, as opposed to substance, but she'd have to go get it tomorrow. Why not today?

There were already so many things she had to do.

Their conversation was short but already she felt exhausted. She resigned herself to sleeping early, if she managed to finish everything in a timely manner.

Before Ruby could ask her anything, she brushed by her with a stern reminder to keep the TV volume down so she could focus.

Focus went out the window as soon as she's lying on the bed, though. She feels it touching her again. Her legs rub together fruitlessly, unable to stop the sensation so she reaches down to swat it away, whatever it is. Just to be sure.

With it, though, everything's alight again and she can't stop scratching at it. Desperately, she pulls her hair up, feeling tears prick her eyes at the scratching burn she feels from the strands surrounding her fingers. She can't get it into a bun fast enough.

Locks still fall free.

She spares one last look at her textbook before turning over and whining into the pillow. She can't scream. Her throat works, and tries to make a sound, but nothing but that soft, wavering cry comes out.

Her fingers work at the sides of her head and it stings. Everything hurts and her chest is heaving by the time she flips back over. She stops, eventually, when she feels something ease. Her stomach's churning.

Worn out and still buzzing, she gives up on trying to stop it. Her hands are shaking and she notices the blood on them.

Dammit. She must've scratched the clot off her neck again. Her fingers reluctantly touch where it usually is and come away with a surprising amount of fluid on them. Creeping to the bathroom, she struggles to put a band-aid on the tiny lump hidden by her hair.

At least it wasn't on her collar.

She hears someone calling her name and she just wants to go back to bed. It's still too much. The high that was fading was the furthest thing from euphoria, and it left her shaking and sick. Fighting back the urge to gag, she catches one last look at herself in the mirror.

She looks okay.

She reminds herself that she needs to hold on for now. She can be okay. She will be okay. A Kurosawa never gives up. And that is the name she wears.


	2. Chapter 2

Riko's still watching her when she goes back to school the next day, fidgeting and picking at her fingers. She's almost tempted to go over and confront the girl about it, but she remembers the incident in the bathroom and says nothing. Chika, at the very least, has left her alone about it.

She knocks on the music room door, letting her know she's there before entering. The muffled piano notes fade out as Riko takes her foot off the pedal.

There's creaking as she opens it, but Riko's smiling at her. That's a good sign. She tries to bid her a good morning, and finds the words are stuck.

It's not even morning anymore.

Riko beats her to it, though, greeting her far more smoothly than she could have managed. It almost makes her jealous. Still, she returns the beam given with as much solemn energy as she can muster.

What progress have either of them made? She can't help but start to compare as soon as they both sit down to talk.

Her fingers tap the surface of the table in a senseless, changing rhythm. Riko's words are in focus today, an occurrence that she wouldn't take for granted.

They talk for ages. Riko doesn't comment on how her leg bounces as she brings up polyrhythms. In fact, the pianist doesn't seem phased at all as she bounces around possible inspirations. She just listens intensely. It's strange.

Dia thinks she likes that, though.

* * *

Were it anyone else that came to her next, she would've shut the door in their face, to be quite honest. She was really tired of people poking in and upsetting the balance she tried to find. It would be there, then it'd be gone all over again because Chika doesn't know how to mind her own business.

But Ruby was another matter.

"Sis," quietly drifted from outside her door. "Are you up?"

She sits up, sticking her pencil in the textbook she closes and shuffles them away. "I'm up, you can come in." Her ponytail hung loose and low over her neck. It wasn't too prickly today, a blessing she would be thankful for.

Her sister is nervous as she enters the room, evident by the way she's wringing her hands. She's dressed herself in her pjs already, surprising, given the hour. A glance to her clock says '6:27'.

"Everything okay?" She ventures, feeling herself frown at the sight. "Is there something you need?"

"Uhm… can I-- n-nevermind," Ruby mumbles and turns around and nearly bolts out the door before she can shout at her. She does, though, somehow knowing that was coming.

"Hold it!" Her sister jolts to a stop with a miserable squeak, freezing up with all the grace of a drunken field mouse. "Come here."

The younger girl obeys with her head ducked inbetween her shoulders and follows to where she points, sitting stiffly on her bed. With a sigh, she goes and shuts the door. Ruby still doesn't fess up as there's an overbearing -- _but not unkind, never,_ **_never_ ** _unkind_ \-- gaze upon her.

"Alright, what's going on?" She forces her voice to soften as she sits back down in front of her, on the floor. "What's wrong? 'Can you' what?"

Ruby bites her lip, hugging her knees as if to shield herself from whatever it was eating away at her. Worry knits itself into her stomach, where it lays heavy. Her sister might be anxious as a default, but not around her. Never around her.

Eventually, the redhead speaks in a cracking voice. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Something creaks from behind her. She tried to convince herself it was the house settling again. "Of course, always. What is it you want to talk about?"

Her sister's eyes flit up towards her face for a brief second, falling towards her mole before she drops it. There's a shuddering breath. "I- I know that everyone has, um, ah, you know, bothering you about it but…" There's only so much that Ruby can force herself to say, apparently. She tries to keep her own face neutral, but welcoming.

"Yes?" That… may have been the wrong thing to say.

Still, Ruby does continue. "Is there -- did someone--" …Continue may have also been the wrong word, but it was what it was. It takes her a couple of seconds to recollect herself before she tries to finish. "Did something happen? T-to you?"

At first, her instinct was to immediately refute her question, and assure her that everything was fine. Except _what in the world was Ruby talking about?!_ "What do you mean?" She says instead, furrowing her brows.

"Did…" Ruby shrunk behind her arms, peeking up at her confused face. "Is someone hurting you?" Something immediately seemed to snap within her sister as she finally voiced her question, plowing through the rest of the way. "You keep wearing bandages, sis, and you're not getting hurt at practice so-- so who's doing this to you?!"

The revelation stuns her, leaving her gaping at her junior in shock and budding panic. "W-what?"

"It's not the others, is it?! They're not… but you're so--"

"Ruby!" She cut her off, shaking off the daze she was trapped in. "I'm not -- nobody's hurting me, okay?!" Her hands came up in a placating gesture; both of them were too riled up for her to want to touch her right now. "I'm okay. I've just been a little unlucky recently, that's all. Okay? I'm okay, I'm okay, I promise you, I'm okay. Nobody's hurting me."

Her sister shrinks back. And yet, relief still hovered in her eyes, cautiously testing the waters to see if they were safe. "They're not…?"

"No. No, they're not. It's okay. I promise." She watches for anything else bubbling beneath the surface, but it looks like the redhead was all too happy to take her words at face value. _Good._ Carefully, she holds out her arms. "Come here. It's okay."

Ruby's all too happy to jump into them, burying her face in her shoulder. She rubs her back in a slow motion, letting the younger girl get out all the remaining fear she'd had.

"It's okay," she soothes. "I'm okay."

* * *

 _Li~ar, li~ar, li~ar,_ the voice in her head chants again. She curls up under the blankets, feeling their stifling weight as the only shield she had against their accusations. Eli's eyes seem so sad, lately. It's a stupid thought, but she can't help but wonder if her idol is disappointed in her, too.

She brushes off the touches on her ankles again. They tickle, as much as she wants to ignore it, even as it feels like she's feeding some sort of delusion in doing so.

Speaking of…

It was way past dinnertime, she knew. Her mother had knocked on her doorframe, but once again, she pretended to be asleep. She remained still even as she heard her creep closer and lean down, pressing a hand to her forehead.

That tickled, too. But she didn't brush that one away.

Her mother stayed like that so long that she wondered if she hadn't fooled the woman in the slightest. Eventually, though, she pulled back with that same sigh she'd heard from her friends.

"Tired again already…?" her mother muttered. "What's wrong with you, child?" Carefully, she didn't flinch. She didn't react. She didn't say 'I'm sorry'.

She doesn't have any answers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: self harm, emetophobia (themes of nausea throughout), familial dysfunction
> 
> ...so I meant to have finished O One, Sisterhood, and Exhibit L by now. That didn't happen. Thanks, mental health issues looming in the background. So this is what you all get instead! Enjoy!

She wakes up the next day feeling more tired than before. Her tongue is glued to the roof of her mouth, and the side of her face feels damp and sticky. Already a headache was brewing, and she wondered if she was getting sick.

Her back ached as she sat up, wearied muscles protesting against further strain. It didn't stop her. Drawing together some resolve, she shoved herself out of bed and headed for a shower.

She nearly doesn't make it to the bathroom before her legs give out on her a little.

A slow breath doesn't drown out the loud tone in her head, nor the shouting coming from down the hall, but it does give her something to steady herself with. A particularly harsh shot from her father threatened to rip it away and she hastily turns on the water, hoping that it would provide some solace.

She hears the front door slam over the pounding water and something falls, jolting her up into a frenzy. She scrubs herself clean faster than she would've liked and stumbles out, reaching for the towel. Her mother's still ranting, and it drew closer. She tensed up as she heard the footsteps in the hall, creaking past the doorway she hid behind.

It fades soon enough. When she hears the back door close -- far, far more gentle than the front -- she scrambles back to her bedroom and almost locks the door behind herself.

Except she doesn't.

Instead, she hurries to put her uniform on, even though the daze, and pats her knees after she finishes. She doesn't know why she did that. Nervous energy, maybe?

Her head turns at that. If she was feeling bad, surely Ruby must be worse. She scrambles to get out of her own room and make way towards Ruby's. The coast is clear as she knocks, waiting to hear a response from the girl inside. She announces herself, just in case.

Ruby couldn't get that door open fast enough. Her sister stared at her for a moment, silent and shivering.

"Come on," she tells her, "let's get something to eat."

* * *

Her stomach's clenched into a knot as she sits on the bus that day, weighing heavily with the knowledge Ruby had given her; her parents had been fighting about her.

Her mother had accused her father of being distant and uncaring. Worthless to his daughters. But that wasn't true! He was attentive and patient, wasn't he? He could always calm Ruby, no matter what scared her.

And with her? He took the time to teach her, didn't he? Sure, he could get irritated if she wasn't listening, and tired quickly of her asking him to repeat himself, but he made the effort. It was her fault for not paying attention.

She almost wanted to throw up.

The meal she'd made earlier seemed to have comforted Ruby, but she wished it could do the same for her. She knew she'd burnt it, and that her mother wouldn't appreciate having to clean up the pan from that. She would've done it herself, had they time. As it was, though, they barely made it to the stop before the bus arrived.

Her leg's bouncing again. She avoids the stares from the other girls on the bus, especially the irritated one from the one sitting next to her. She wished it was Mari. Or Kanan. The both of them never seemed to mind it when she did that.

Then again, the both of them were the ones who suspected something was wrong with her in the first place. They  _ understood _ . She takes in a calming breath. If she told the others… they'd understand, wouldn't they? It doesn't soothe her nausea.

Ruby presses against her arm as if she can read her thoughts. Then again, she probably looks pretty gloomy. Ignoring the glare from the brunette at her other side, she forcefully stills her body and wraps an arm around the younger girl's shoulder.

With a slow breath, she lets her mind wander. Eli is the first to visit, and she thinks about her smile. She thinks about the warm encouragement she gives the others. They never gave up.

Her eyes close and she looks down, embracing the reassurance the blonde can give.  _ I won't give up on this. For you, Ruby. I'll do it for you. _

She spaces out.

* * *

It doesn't take long for the bus to shudder to a stop, breaking her out of her thoughts. Even still, it takes her a beat to come to, turning her head this way and that as she figures out where they are. Ruby's already on her feet, nudging her.

She can feel Riko's eyes on the back of her neck. They don't feel as oppressive as they did earlier, and she wonders if she's starting to get used to it.

* * *

The redhead meets up with her after classes end, finding her in the office. In her hands, Riko cradles the notebook she'd been given… how many days was it now? Wasn't it Tuesday she'd given it over… but which one? She counted the events that had passed instead, and the world made a little more sense then.

Riko's nervous, still, but the energy had taken on a different tone than she'd had before -- one of reservation, not fear. It's strange. If only Mari were here. Surely she could give her a clue, couldn't she?

Riko hands her the notebook with a strange smile. The other girl tells her that she ought to look over what she had written in the pages, the notes she had added. The smile turns afraid. As if she was angry. But she wasn't? It didn't matter. Before anything else can be said, Riko's gone.

* * *

She doesn't remember the day. She doesn't remember the bus. She doesn't remember the house.

She doesn't realize her hands have been senselessly beating against her thighs until the ache turns sharp. Too sharp. Too much. There's a mistake on the paper in front of her and she realizes that all the papers look the same. They aren't. But they have the same words. The same questions. They don't make sense. She hates that she doesn't make sense. All she knows is the she was stupid to think that she could be above this. This… this tangle of cords and chords and words and emotion and everything between it and outside it.

What was her name again? She didn't want to see it. It wasn't hers to take. It had been offered to another girl who was so, so precious. And she had stolen her face, her smile, the love and adoration and respect that the other girl had earned. A thief. She was a thief.

What was her name again…?

* * *

She wakes up on the floor, legs numb and aching, her head too heavy to lift. There's voices in the hallway. She hears footsteps and they're coming closer. Confusion wavered and settled at the same time. The door hadn't been open before, when had it…? Who had…? Voices drew closer.

A woman was kneeling next to her. Shadows made up her silhouette, light illuminating only the outline of her cheek. Her ear was cocked towards her, and the voices were even louder. It was angry.  _ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me. _ She tried to speak. Words came out, but they weren't any words that she knew. The mess of noise that came from her throat was embarrassing, shameful.

The voices were angry. They were fighting again. Again? Again. Nothing she'd say would ever be good enough to fix it. The voices turned into people she knew and she hated every second she came awake. Everything hurt.

Her mother turned her onto her back, hand smoothing over her cheek. The world was gone now. She couldn't open her eyes. A head came to hover above her chest, the hand sliding down to her neck. Was she going to die?

Something poked the side of her throat. Unwillingly she felt the beating of her heart sharpen to a point, pulsating against the pressure. Voices lowered. The presence changed, shifting underneath her. It was frightening how fast everything would change and suddenly, she was aloft.

Her back hurt. She wanted to sleep forever. Or at least for now, until she was alone again.

She'd never make up the cost it took to keep her breathing.

* * *

There was a gentle weight at her side. Darkness covered her, but she knew something was there. The warmth made her heart hurt, but she reached out all the same. Was this real? Sickness lingered in her belly, somehow the only thing she knew wasn't going to leave.

Her own hand met flesh that screamed.

It felt like screaming, anyway. She didn't know what that noise was, only that she couldn't breathe in the moment after, reality slamming into her full force. What was her name? Ruby. It was Ruby who clung to her. She could never forget Ruby.

Her eyes open to unbound red hair spilled across her chest. A hand comes up to rest atop the strawberry locks. Sensation trickles through the haze; the arm is her own. What was her name…?

"Sis!"  _ No. _ No she wasn't?  _ No. _ Yes.  _ It wasn't there. _ What wasn't there? She didn't know. "Sis, you scared me! You-- you wouldn't… wouldn't wake u-up! Oh… sis?"

"M'tired." She wanted the darkness back. For once, something obliged her wishes. No words came after that. Guilt sat heavier in her stomach when she realized the fear Ruby must be feeling, but she found no strength left in her reserves. She wanted to sleep. She could fix it. She just needed time.

She didn't have time, but she decided she'd pretend she did.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: insectophobia + general body horror type things.

Everything hurt. From her head, to her chest, her arms and legs and back and breath, everything hurt. The weight from before was gone, lost in a void of white static. She remembered seeing fog coming up off the ocean, once, where everything she'd known before was gone save a scant few details close enough for her to see. It had scared her then, and to realize how much it fit how she saw things now was a little bit upsetting. A hand reached out onto the… covers? Was she still in bed? But wasn't it a school day?

Her head hurt so much, but she needed to find her phone.

Her phone. Oh, God, where was her phone?!

It was like she'd been punched. The fog didn't clear away, but everything seemed brighter all of a sudden. It wasn't sunshine breaking through, but maybe setting things on fire would work well enough. Except the thing on fire -- metaphorically, it was metaphorically -- was the fact her phone was missing and she didn't know where it was, who took it, or if they would read her messages and find out the truth she's trying so, so hard to conceal and deny. If her father read her messages…

She stumbles out of bed, consequences be damned. She needed to find her phone, pronto.

While unsteady, her legs hold firm as they carry her across the floor. She can feel the trembling shooting up from her calves to her thighs, but they obey her still. Step, step, into the hall. Where's Ruby? Ruby might know. If her parents hadn't gotten to her phone yet, maybe Ruby knew where it was. Maybe she'd given it to Mari. She hoped that she'd given it to Mari. Her sister or herself? She didn't know.

Her sister isn't there.

It's not a school day. The calendar says it was a Saturday. Where was Ruby? Had she gone out? For a moment, she felt a stab of pain and the thought of her sister leaving her behind when she needed her. Much, much quicker to strike than her hurt was the sheer, overwhelming amount of guilt at being angry at her sister for what, exactly? Trying to keep life moving? Selfish. Stupid and selfish and always, always the one who needed to be left behind. She couldn't keep up. She just couldn't.

She was so stupidly selfish, in fact, that she found herself crying anyway, in the middle of her sister's bedroom floor. Of course Ruby would go out with her friends. She had a life outside of her sister, and they all probably enjoyed spending time having fun without her nagging them. That was all she ever really did, wasn't it? And that was all they wanted from her. It didn't matter what else she wanted to be, she was useful for one thing and one thing only. Discipline. Discipline that she'd applied to herself, and discipline that made her furious and jealous both at how the others could shrug off their schoolwork and duties with ease.

She'd worked so hard to be a good girl, but everyone else just seemed to be better on the inside than she ever could be. She wasn't bad, she wasn't, but all she could think of was seeing Mari's disappointed and heartbroken face. Ruby's disappointed and heartbroken face. Chika's disappointed face. You's. Yoshiko's. Riko, trembling in fear. Hanamaru, staring up at her with just a sad, pitying, yet altogether angered look. She'd hurt them. She's done it before. She'll just do it again.

She's sobbing in the middle of her sister's bedroom and if that didn't tell her how worthless and weak she was, she didn't know what did.

Nobody was home to hear her. It wasn't a comfort.

* * *

She can't really remember what she told her parents, later, when they confronted her. All she knows is that they'd forbidden her from Aqours practice for a few weeks -- she hoped her failing performance wouldn't put them behind -- and demanded she pay more attention to when she'd eaten. Her father reminded her that while her drive was admirable, foolish mistakes like this one could cost her in the long run.

Her mother didn't say anything at all.

Kanan stops by when Ruby comes home, holding the things she'd left behind at her house. Ruby doesn't stay long, closing herself off into her room before dinner. It was so weird to see her sister's distance, when normally she'd be crawling all over her. Had her parents said something? Or Kanan? Had -- had Kanan warned Ruby to not get too close? Or Mari? No, they couldn’t have. They wouldn’t. She had to have faith in them, she reminded herself, that they wouldn’t treat her like some weird freak of nature to steer clear of. She was their friend above all else.

It doesn’t change the fact Ruby was so… apathetic, almost. No, that couldn’t be right either. But what else could it be? Was she afraid of her now? She couldn’t blame Ruby if she was, she was afraid of herself too.

Her phone’s still locked and there’s unread messages. She’s safe, for now. In the solace of her room, she reads through the group chat, reads through the texts she’d been sent. She doesn’t have it in her yet to reply, though. More guilts swims at the thought. Her friends were concerned about her and she couldn’t even grace them with a response? But finding words is hard and lying poorly is unacceptable. They’d see through her in a heartbeat.

She closes her phone as she gets a new text. It takes all her restraint to not read it immediately. Already there’s so many things she needs to respond to that even just thinking about it makes her even more tired than she already is. This new one would just make it worse.

Tomorrow she goes back to school. Already? So soon? Of course. It was surprising she got time off in the first place. Then again, fainting and injuring yourself tends to be a cause for concern. She sighs before it hits her -- she either answers their questions now or she answers them at school. Though, that was working off the assumption that they wouldn’t just ask her all the same questions over and over again.

Bzz bzz. Mari’s texting her again. She knows it’s Mari by the fact that two seconds after her phone gives her this notification, it goes off again. And again. It falls silent on the third one, so presumably Mari has worked through her typos. Her sigh this time is fond, even as it fades faster than it should. Just the one. She could talk to Kanan and Mari. She owed them that much. After that, she could take another nap. There was over fourteen hours to waste, so why not?

* * *

Strangely enough, nobody crowds her outside of Mari. She chalks it up to Mari being Mari. Ruby still won’t look her in the eyes, but she barely has time to think about this before Mari’s pulling her away to do student council work. Three days. It was three days and already things were in such a disarray? What a shame. She finds herself chiding Mari again, demanding the girl stay focused and responsible for once. ‘For once,’ as if the blonde wasn’t already carrying far more weight than she was.

Her head hurts when she goes home, even though it’s far more early than she usually stops. Ruby had tracked her down while she and Mari were working, telling her that their parents wanted her home now. No staying out until this all blew over, apparently. She hated the fact that her sister just had to get caught in the crossfire. Of all people, Ruby deserved any of this the least. She didn’t deserve to be hovered over because of things that weren’t even her fault. 

What could she even do to make things better? Smooth it out as best she could? Hah. As if that were possible, given how much of a mess she was making. It doesn’t stop her from pretending like everything is fine as she gathers her things, though. Mari just gives her a sad smile, the one Dia absolutely hated to see, since it was the one she couldn’t do anything about.

She goes home without a complaint. There’s no ground for her to stand on.

* * *

Homework is impossible. She just can’t do it. Not with her jaw aching something fierce, not with her head feeling like a pile of bricks, and not with the ever present exhaustion seeping through her bones. There’s something crawling on her, trying to get under her skin. Angrily, she swipes at her ankles again. There’s nothing there, but now there’s something on her hand.

She doesn’t find out what through her horror, stomach dropping and churning at the sight of _something_ being there. Her hands bangs against the table as she tries to get it off, and there it crawls before she crushes it with her textbook. It’s small and she doesn’t know what it is. Probably harmless, except for the nightmares she knows she’s going to be having for the next while. Her wrists itch and there’s something tickling under her shirt.

Her hands come back empty when she swats it this time. Did she miss, or was it just something she’d imagined? The thought strikes her -- was what she imagining all this time actually real? Was something really lurking over her skin? The house creaks in time with the way her world shifts and it makes her scramble away from her desk, staring down at the floor and her hands and where she was walking. No. It had to be a fluke. At most, it was just an innocent coincidence that this poor, now dead creature had been journeying across her leg.

There was no way there were parasites living under her skin, but that didn’t stop her from taking a violently long shower that night after she stripped her bed bare of all its sheets and sleeping with only a fresh blanket she rolls herself into. At least this way she felt a little safe.

Maybe she would have to take Mari up on her old, old offer after all, if the girl even remembered it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Self harm

There was way too much to do. Looking back on it all, she realized the gravity of her error with the deadlines looming closer and closer. Tik, tik, tik. She tapped her pen and waited. She waited and waited.

The fog didn't pass.

Swallowing back excuses as she always did, she forced her eyes away from the window and the trees outside to place them back on the papers piling up. Dead weight. If asked, she wondered if she'd be able to answer what she liked better, trees or paper? Both had beauty and purpose. But what would she choose? What did she value?

Her eyes closed against her will -- summoning her strength back, she broke them open. The papers were fuzzy. She blinked. They wouldn't focus.

She looked up with a sigh, hoping that if she exercised them a little, it would shake off whatever it was that had come over her. She used to be so good at it, so why was she all over the place the past few weeks? It hadn't been this bad before. Or maybe it had, and she’d only forgotten the memory of what it was like ‘before’.

Before she realized she was doing it, pain snapped up her finger. Ouch. She just  _ bit _ herself. No blood, thankfully, but as she inspected the dents on her knuckle, she wondered if this was the start of something awful.

* * *

Weeks passed before she realized that her friends hadn’t brought the issue of her missing out on practice up, not even once. She doesn’t know if it’s because they expected it, or are afraid to mention it, or… or they spoke about it without her, coming to the choice that it wasn’t worth the effort. It’s a ridiculous and stupid notion, but it bites at her heels non-stop. She knows she’s letting them down.

They barely give her time alone, no matter where she goes. She’d had the thought of keeping up with exercises, at least, but between school and home, there was always someone around. They would scold her for not obeying her parents. She feels all the more tired for it. Rest. They constantly barked at her to rest, but not a single bone in her body wanted to remain still. Nor could it. Her shoulders and back begin to ache with an intensity that doesn’t go away.

It’s because she’s forcing herself to sit so still, for so long. Her crowded thoughts lend weight to her anxiety, and soon she realises that if she wasn’t careful, she’d probably end up having another meltdown, exacerbating the problem.

Guilt eats away at her for taking up everyone’s time, but eventually, she reasons that it would be better to let off steam before she explodes. She picks up her phone, opening her messages to Kanan and Mari.

She finds herself typing and retyping her messages, over and over and over again. The first time, it’s an indecipherable wall of complaining. The second doesn’t even mention what’s bothering her. The third is aimless, and so, so  _ whiny. _ The fourth is short and unsatisfying. The fifth makes her wonder if her friends will worry about her. The sixth… yeah, she wasn’t going to send the sixth unless she wanted to deal with the police. The seventh made her reconsider everything.

Writing the eighth made her feel even worse than she already did. The ninth was full of accusations, selfish and cruel, and it was the one that made her give up.

She goes and watches everyone talk in the group chat instead, wishing someone would notice she wasn’t there. The feeling is beaten out by the knowledge that she had to be the one to help herself, no matter how much it felt like drowning.


End file.
